Yesterday afternoon I knew it was over for this cycle because I began to spot. This morning my temperature dropped below my cover line. I was very sad yesterday and I cried a lot. Mark was very concern and suggested we quit moving forward. Mark’s fear is that I am going become depressed. I told him I allow myself to be sad for one day and that is it. I told Mark, “Have you not learned by now that I am not a quitter? I am a fighter!” He laughed and said, “Yes, I know you are a fighter.” All my life I had to fight for myself and infertility is not different. I will overcome infertility one way or another, even if that means we go through adoption.
Today is a new beginning, a new start in our journey. I am over my sadness and ready to move on to the next phase. After 8:00 am, I am going to call Dr. Rister’s office to schedule another appointment. I will probably see him on Monday or Tuesday and will start Clomid on Tuesday (If everything looks okay). I started to number my cycles, just for the sake of organization.
The cycle numbers come from my software system I use to track all my information. Yes, we have basically been trying to conceive for 33 cycles. I started tracking my information shortly after we were married and we officially started TTC (trying to conceive) a few months after we were married.
The following lyrics are from Natalie Grant’s song Held, and the lyrics offer comfort during times like these. Also, this song reminds me of my brother who passed away 12 years ago. I know in times of sorrow and sadness God is carrying us through our pain.
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
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